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Poet’s Note: I sincerely apologize to my blog followers for this one. I participated on a watershed mapping study of a granite aquifer a long time ago and the image of overflowing septics into neighbors’ wells has long stuck in my imagination. And more recently, a certain pipeline company that shall remain nameless sent out brochures with a check list of things to “keep an eye out for” such as discolored leaves or unsightly oil spills.

Take Two: An Infomercial

Are you worried about your watershed?
Is there an unsavory smell? Or worse,
Heard complaints of unsightly spill
From your septic to your neighbor’s well?

Introducing the new two-times-flow toilet,
Saving wells and neighborly relations all over
With secret deodorant and sanitary pad technology,
Just turn the dial conveniently located on the back of the toilet
And your loved ones can relieve themselves twice a day!

We’ve patented never-before-tried ‘play-doh factory’
Engineering to the porcelain throne, allowing you
And other potential users to pump human waste
Into fun, playful yet possibly harmful geometric shapes.

When things get messy, what you really need in the bathroom
Is a two-timer on speed dial who can take your shit some of the time.

-LCS