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I arrived at the Department of Mysteries’ Center for Occupational Prophecies, where I attended a required workshop–after one hour of sleep last night. Because I’m not used to city parking situations, I got a little lost between the garage and Department of Mysteries building (but my wand, er, smartphone, led me in the right direction.) I’m not too proud to say that I also got lost on my way back to the garage but by then, I was under the influence.
The man leading the workshop smiled like he was full of smelly cheese a la Professor Slughorn as he loaded his PowerPoint. Posters with backward lettering, apparently motivational spells, clung to the wall with Scotch tape. A smoky haze of cigarettes, marijuana and fire-breathing dragon breath immediately enveloped me in Conference Room B. (The Death Eaters were in Conference Room A, thank goodness.) Most of the attendees gruffed and puffed over the necessary paperwork. Most of us had filled out our Star Trek logs prior to the workshop. I held my breath in between moments when I could not contain myself and blurted out: “Is this the workshop where we learn how to write an ‘effective resume’ or is that next week?” and “Wait, is that an example of ‘what to do,’ or ‘what not to do?’ Both are grammatically incorrect.” *Shudder* Apparently grammar is a matter of opinion. Not surprisingly, it was followed by a bulleted list of tips: 1) Use correct grammar, 2) Maximum 1 page (etc. It really only got worse from there.) Here’s an example of a resume that the Workshop Wizard liked:
John Smith
15 Plain Road
Anyplace, ME 04099
Tools I Know:
Drive tractor. And 4-Wheelers. Compressers
Cutting tools Electric discharge machine
(Etc.) Misc. tools
At the 10:30am break
Clearly, the Workshop Wizard prefers the functional format, which hiring managers have practically outlawed. When I overheard some guys in the back row grumble, “Here she goes again,” and moan any time I asked a question or made a comment, trying to help the innocent, I clammed up. I wished I’d brought my invisibility cloak. Or, at least magic ink so that my SS# and contact information wouldn’t be visible on the sign-in sheet as it was passed from person to person at an alarmingly sluggish rate, especially in the back row.
After the workshop, I fled on my broomstick into a nor’easter. It’s the kind of snow that splinters your eye balls with miniature ice picks. Wind blew long curls into my mouth and I walked awkwardly along the slushy side-walk, swearing and muttering. People avoided me. I probably looked like one of those “Lost Souls” from the Lakes Region. (We don’t get off the Mountain of Doom very often.) By the time I had circumvented the block twice and changed direction (my eye glasses fogged into a cataract-glaze), I was dazed and confused like Liv Tyler. I felt hot under the collar. My pretty blue wool coat smelled like college days and frat parties. Finally, I found the parking garage and climbed the stairs to the 4th floor–but my sea green Subaru was not there! Did I get towed? Oh, no! I scrambled up the stairs to the 5th, then the 6th floors, horrified to see giant mounds of snow I hadn’t seen before. Merlin’s beard! I’ve been towed! I knew this public parking garage–albeit inconveniently located but only at a $2/hr rate was too-good-to-be-true! Argh! In slight panic mode, or more realistically, an allergic reaction to Conference Room B in the Department of Mysteries (Miseries?) I took the elevator down to the ground level and found a nice parking attendant who was willing to look for my car (on the 6th, 5th, 4th and finally, 3rd floor), while I had an neurotic breakdown, probably breaking out into hives by this point. (I tipped the helpful fellow and thanked him profusely.)
Then, as I warmed up the car, relieved it had not been towed, I listened to a new voicemail: “Leah, you have been selected to attend a required workshop next Thursday….” (in addition to the one I’ve been selected to attend on Tuesday.) When am I supposed to practice casting the Patronus charm? When I am supposed to study for the OWLs? When am I supposed to fight evil and save the world?
Tomorrow night’s the full moon in dramatic Royal-Leader-of-Meltdowns-and-Billowing-Manes-Leo. This blast of energy lasts 10 days.
Recently, I received a letter. When I called the State Department of Mysteries in response to the letter, the state employee asked me, “What color is the letter?” This is like dinner at Applebees. Every time I ordered a salad there, I ended up with a hair in my salad and a waitress who’s been trained to ask, “What color is it?” (I stopped that nonsense years ago.) So when the DOM employee learned my letter was white, she said, “Good thing it wasn’t yellow,” followed by similar responses to my specific questions. And the magic continues…
I have been “selected to participate in a required program.” Just call me Harry Potter for I am the chosen ONE. (Side note: To me, this sounds on par with a forced lottery win, or, decapitation role play.) Benefits of said required program include “unlimited access to computers, office equipment (!), Internet access and the expertise” (of career center employees). Wow. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. And I must gather a few things to take on this adventure, which starts this week and continues through next week (my birthday week). They didn’t list “unlimited access to a toilet” so I hope they have one, since these are day-long workshops.
The “white letter” (and sundry follow-up notices and voicemails) tell me I need to bring the following required items with me: 1) Star Trek Log, 2) Elder Wand, 3) straight face when I am serenaded by Roy Orbison-superfan (again), 4) a jar of paste to eat while I learn how to write an “effective resume,” 5) my Girls Scouts cantene–empty, since they might not have a bathrooom with unlimited access. I should also probably bring a Sit-Upon while I’m at it. Gramma taught me to be prepared at long town meetings and how to stuff newspaper into a trash bag so I don’t get my butt wet sitting on moss, or questionable office chairs with unlimited access. I have a sneaky feeling I wasn’t the only chosen one.
The Adventures of Fen Fatale ~ Ecoheroine 